Ray Harryhausen’s name was one you would mention only to your friends who were really into movies. Or if you had just met someone and you wanted to test their credits-throw in a Harryhausen reference. If they nodded and agreed, you knew you were in good company.
In no order, here is a list of some terrible sequels. I know…people might argue other titles like Teen Wolf Too, Weekend At Bernies 2, Caddyshack 2, and sure, those are pretty shitty but you have to look at expectations. Was anyone under the guise that Weekend At Bernie’s 2 would be awesome? I hope not. So here are some high expectation, low payoff sequels.
The Matrix: Revolutions
Alot of people give Matrix 2 a ton of shit, but I think, while kinda bad, that Matrix 3 is legions worse. Matrix 2 at least was as entertaining as part 1. (I think the entire saga is vastly overrated and sort of boring myself). Matrix 3 is just pure garbage wrapped in diarrhea with a grogan bow on top. There is nothing good about it, and in fact, I gave it a second try recently, and was bored to literal tears. Terrible movie.
Ocean’s 11 was pretty silly, but at least it had some fun going for it. Even though every part of their heist went flawlessly, and really had no level of threat for their caper, it was still fun to see Clooney, Pitt and Damon joke around with each other. Then they took it too far. Ocean’s 12 is like watching a group of rich assholes just look at each other and grin all day. I mean, this was the biggest ”I’m a handsome, rich celeb” pat on the back if there ever was one. Even the preview had a 10 second shot of just Pitt and Clooney laughing and smiling. Just a poorly written, poorly acted, poor movie all around.
Okay, I know I prefaced this article with the ”this will be all about high expectation movies” but I lied a little. I know no one expected Dumb And Dumbererererrrr to be good, and it wasn’t. But did it need to be THIS shitty? I mean, aside from two fucks doing their best Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels impressions, what was the point of this movie? Did anyone on earth want a prequel to Dumb And Dumber? I bet if you asked one million people this question, you would get a 98.6% result in the “NO” category. I would bet money on those odds. This movie was dumber than the title suggests. I hear they’re making a sequel to Dumb And Dumber now, but I feel that the Dumb And Dumber anus has been raped too hard from this prequel that it’s in therapy and has some serious emotional issues. A.K.A no one gives a shit anymore.
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
Maybe it’s just me, but I think the first Ace Venture a is fucking hysterical. What I like about it is that Ace himself acts like a complete retard and annoys everyone he is around, but he’s a goddamn great detective, and he solves these cases that stump the police with ease. I feel like he acts like a retard just to be cocky, and that’s why I think it’s so funny. But then they made part 2. In this movie, he IS a retard. He’s a terrible detective in this. He bumblefucks around because he’s a bumblefuck, not a good detective. Plus, he’s suddenly terrified of bats? Who the fuck came up with that idea? This movie sucks all the life out of the first one…and it just plain sucks.
It’s never a good idea to make a sequel to an awesome and successful movie and then eliminate the main star from the picture. I’m sorry, but you cannot coast on a Speed sequel with just Sandra Bullock. I mean, aside from being annoying and boy-ish, she can’t carry an action franchise, even if you toss Jason “Wooden” Patric. A convincing action star, he ain’t. The only shining star is watching Willem Dafoe cash his paycheck as the bad guy. And I mean you can literally watch him go to the bank and cash his paycheck for this movie. It’s on the special features.
In the 80s we got endless sequels to Nightmare On Elm Street and Friday The 13th, and people pissed and moaned about how bad they were. I bet you fucks would do anything to get that level of entertainment back again, right? The Saw franchise is an abortion to horror. And not because of the gore. The gore is good. It’s mainly because who gives a shit about Jigsaw? He’s such a lame villain. Freddy had charisma. Jason had menace. Jigsaw has….cancer? So scary. Well, I guess cancer is sort of scary if you have it, but a cancer patient trying to kill me doesn’t do much for me. The traps get crazier and crazier and as the series goes on, we get different psychos becoming Jigsaw for whatever reason. I’ve watched all these movies and was so bored, I could barely tell you anything that happens. Plus, the editing sucks. I want to watch a horror movie, not a fucking System Of A Down music video. Don’t cut your horror like MTV, just a tip. It takes away everything that is effective about a horror movie. The first Saw isn’t great, but it was clever….these are just the last few farts after the mega turd plops out.
I love Pixar movies, like everyone else. I think they’re amazingly written, hilarious, incredibly animated and just individual treasure. So what in the fuck was Cars 2? First of all, Cars itself is probably their weakest movie, but you can still salvage some great moments about redemption and learning to be selfless. Cars 2 is just some lame action movie or some mystery, I don’t even know. When you make Mater your main character, you’re in trouble. Would you let your redneck uncle from Vermont lead the way on an important adventure? I didn’t think so. So why would anyone let fucking Mater out of the garage for anything? The movie isn’t funny at all, and there was so much crap going on, that after 10 minutes I just stopped giving a shit. Huge bummer and first Pixar fail.
I was never a big X-Files fan when it was on tv, but I did really like the first X-Files movie. I thought it had only a handful of inside jokes, but all around, someone who hadn’t seen the show much could get it and enjoy it, which I did very much. This movie though, after the 11 or 12 year wait was…..what was it actually? I mean, what even happens in this movie? It’s not even about monsters or aliens. It’s about….wait….what the fuck was it about? Nothing happens in this movie. Mulder and Scully talk and then they drive and talk some more and….talk…and drive I think, no wait, they talk then drive….I think. God, what a fucking snooze fest. It’s a 2 hour shot of Melatonin. SNORE.
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
Blair Witch Project sucks, but it broke some nice ground. Well, I wouldn’t really say nice because found footage movies are shitty, but still…I appreciate pioneers to some degree. But when they tried to cash in on the name and make an actual movie, well, it was worse bomb than the one that sunk the U.S.S Arizona…probably more people died too. They tried to go for some like haunted house shit. I don’t know, it was a long time ago, but I know that it was just really bad. Avoid.
Batman & Robin
“I want a car. Chicks dig the car.” “This is why Superman works alone.” These are the first lines uttered in the worst sequel of all fucking time. From Arnold’s “Frost you!” to the Bat-nipples to fucking Alicia “I feed my child chewed food from my mouth like a bird” Silverstone, the only Bat in this movie is the bat-shit insane the producers were for letting one of the worst directors in history Joel Schumaucher take over what was an awesome franchise. It was like watching a snuff film, because Schushitter really did muder Batman in plain view in front of us all. Back in 1997, I gave most movies the benefit of the doubt. Even if they were ”bad” per-say, I would find something good about it and rate is 3 stars or so. This was the first movie that I fucking HATED. I left the theater full of rage that millions upon millions of dollars were spent making this total face-rape of a movie. I was so mad, that I went to a record store and STOLE the Smashing Pumpkins Batman And Robin soundtrack because I refused to even put one more penny into this franchise. Seeing my parents burn in a fire would be less painful than sitting through this fucking godawful movie again. Nolan’s Batman movies are extremely overrated, but they at least gave mouth to mouth to the franchise that Schumaucher killed. I gotta give the man credit for that at least. He took Batman and just said “I’m a fuck you so hard that you die.” and that’s what he did. South Park made an episode where Spielberg and Lucas rape Indiana Jones to death…but did they fucking see this movie? This was an actual assault. It almost made me hate Schwarzenegger, and I forgave him for Jingle All The Way!!! HATE HATE HATE HATE!
End of list. Bye bye.
I’m a big fan of Ralph Fiennes, and not just because we share the same birthday and were both born in a town called Ipswich (its true, look it up) but because he has always been an interesting actor. He struck gold in the early to mid 90s with Schindler’s List and The English Patient, among many other interesting films, but then sort of became forgotten in the 00s before totally resurrecting his mainstream career with the Harry Potter movies, which I find him terrifying in actually. He’s always an intense actor, which is why I was interested in seeing how he would direct too. This is his debut, and it looks pretty cool. I’m not a big Gerard Butler fan, but under Fiennes direction, who knows what could happen. I like sword fighting movies too, so we could have a winner. Directing debuts go either way…good or shitty. It’s rare that an actor turned director makes something mediocre. They usually either pull something completely unexpected out and find a great forte, like Ben Affleck or Mel Gibson or they just totally suck. We’ll see for Ralph does…it’s pronounced Rafe actually.
PREDICTION: 3 stars
Sex addicts…hmmmm. I mean, I guess they exist. I think they’re called men. I suppose because every girl I see in life, I picture naked would make me addicted to sex but because I can keep my dick under control makes me not an addict…I really don’t know how to define the term. Some people say it’s not a real condition, but then there are people who just HAVE to fuck everyone they meet. Can an ugly dude be addicted to sex if he can’t get any pussy? Maybe he would just be addicted to jacking off. It’s a weird grey area, that perhaps this movie will clear up. Michael Fassbender is becoming one of those “i’m in every movie” actors as of late. That can be good, if every movie he is in is decent, or it can be overkill and burn people out like Jude Law in 2004. In this he plays a sex addict who’s life is going out of control and he seeks solace with his sister, the lovely and talented Carey Mulligan. These psych movies about fucked up people always spark my interest, because I love psychology and I love seeing why people are crazy. I think, if done correctly, could be a very good movie. You’d think the director, Steve McQueen, would change his fucking name to Steven or something, to show a little respect for Bullit, but I guess he think he is something special. This movie is Oscar bait, so we’ll see.
PREDICTION: 3 stars
Slow week but back in 7 days!
A DANGEROUS METHOD
David Cronenberg is the best director working that has never been nominated for a Best Director Oscar. He has always made movies that totally fuck Hollywood in the ass. Videodrome, Dead Ringers, Naked Lunch, Scanners, The Fly…on and on and on are all movies that are highly regarded, yet fly under the radar. It’s a shame. He has found some critical respect lately for his last two films, A History Of Violence and Eastern Promises, which are both excellent but nowhere
near as terrific as his old classics. His new film is about Freud, which is a bizarre departure for his usual fare. It looks good, but is not blowing me away compared to what I expect from this amazing
filmmaker. However, previews can be deceiving and I have a great feeling that this could be something special. However, I will always lament the lost grossness of his older movies, but maybe it’s finally time to give this man an Oscar nomination. Time will tell.
PREDICTION: 3 stars
What amazes me is that every single year, someone pumps out an ”original” movie about Christmas. How much fucking content can this holiday hold?? We have people becomming Santa Claus, we have people being Elves, we have people trying to rescue lost reindeer. Blah blah
blah. I don’t even really know what this movie is really about. Some kid fucks up Christmas or something…I don’t know. The preview goes so fast it makes me feel like some fucking ADD ridden 7 year old trying to read War And Peace. It just looks like another cheaply animated turd that the ass of Christmas has spread open ready to plop on our faces. Open wide. Give me Scrooged anytime.
PREDICTION: 1 1/2 stars
I am a Martin Scorsese whore. I don’t care. He can use me and abuse me and not even leave me cab fare so long as he keeps making shit like Goodfellas. Now, I will admit, when I saw the first trailer for Hugo, I was underwhelmed…very underwhelmed. It looked fucking retarded, I’ll say it. But I was confident that it was a scam and that the machine had pumped out a trailer to try to get parents to take their screaming kids. I mean, it looked terrible. Like some generic Tim Burton ripoff where Borat goes flying into a giant cake…DERP!! But from what I’ve read, my suspicions of false advertising were correct. I’ve read some stellar classic Scorsese movie moments, and that the
film altogether is an ode to classic 20s and silent era cinema. Sure, it might go over kids and most parents heads, but I think this has classic film written all over it. I wouldn’t expect anything less
from the best living filmmaker around. Highly anticipating this one!!
PREDICTION: 4 stars
This will be good. No matter what, this will be good. Even if this movie is stupid as hell, it will be good. I have never seen anyone happier to be in a movie as Jason Segel. If you watch the trailer,
every scene he has a giant grin like “Yep, I’m in a Muppet movie that I wrote.” It’s like literally watching a dream come true. As most people are, I’m a fan of the Muppets. I love most, pretty much all, of their movies and I love Muppet Babies (remember that awesome show??), so you pretty much can’t go wrong with the Muppets. If you hate them, you must have a heart made of the darkest volcanic glass. You’re pretty much a complete asshole if you hate the Muppets. I’m sure this movie will be goofy and stupid, but why would I want anything less from a Muppet movie? I sort of wish there were more celebrity cameos though, like the old days of the Muppet Show. Jason
Segel doesn’t really carry a movie for me, and aside from whipping out his dick, he really isn’t all that funny…but I’m sure he and Amy Adams will be mostly in the background for Kermit, Piggy, Gonzo, Fozzie and all the others. Trust me…this will be good.
PREDICTION: 3 stars
I love the work of Alexander Payne. Citizen Ruth, Election, About Schmidt and Sideways are all awesome, funny as fuck and touching films in their own right. I expect The Descendants to be no different. George Clooney, these days, can seem to do no wrong. The man has been in the awards spotlight for years now, and it looks like this will probably be yet another nomination. What I love about Payne’s movies is his ability to make handsome or beautiful actors looks like shit. It comes off as real, which makes everything even more touching because it’s like you are watching ordinary folk go through problems that could even happen to you. About Schmidt is my favorite of his films, but this one looks just as good.
PREDICTION: 4 stars
HAPPY FEET 2
I actually saw the first Happy Feet and was indifferent to it. I mean, its a fine film to show my son someday and I’m sure I will enjoy showing him this one as well because anything that keeps him quiet for 90 minutes while I pour myself a glass of comfort whiskey is worth the price of admission. Hearing Robin Williams sing is a little like having my knuckles sanded by an industrial diamond buffer, but I can stomach it for penguins. I love penguins, its a little known fact about me. I wept at March Of The Penguins like a 12 year old girl
getting her first menstrual cramps. So I can tolerate Happy Feet, but that doesn’t mean I really like it. But if you’re looking for an oddly star studded non-Pixar CGI kids movie…well, it beats Shrek.
PREDICTION: 2 stars
TWILIGHT 4: BREAKING DAWN PART 1
That title is like a mouthful of cock. Hollywood finally figured out that you can take 1 movie and split it into 2 parts and double your money. Fuckers. Isn’t that a little like dipping your chip in the sour cream and chives dip 5 times at a party? Oh well, if it works for Harry Potter… I will admit that I haven’t seen any of the Twilight movies. All I know is that it’s some vampire romance between a guy with long hair and a vampire and a werewolf. Sounds like a fucking mess. Also I’m told the vampires are vegetarians? What the fuck is that? It makes preteens cream so, like Justin Beiber, it probably sucks, but it sure is popular. Someday I will give this series a shot, if anything to get some material, but as of now, I’ll pass. If you want a REAL vampire romance movie, check out Let The Right One In or its equally engaging and surprisingly good American counterpart, Let Me In. Now that is romance. Skip this shizz.
PREDICTION: 1 star
Good stuff next week!!!
Editor’s Note: Due to travel, this article is a bit late, but still, wouldn’t want you to miss it!
Well, this movie has already come out and is receiving lukewarm reviews, but why?? I can’t imagine it being a “bad” movie per say…but maybe just not as top notch as what is expected from an Eastwood/DiCaprio pairing. I still maintain that this movie looks fantastic, and looks to be another home run from DiCaprio, who I consider the most important actor working today. I have always liked reading about Hoover, who is a fascinating character. Not only was he the founder of the FBI and thought up endless awesome ways to catch criminals, but he was also a fucking cross dresser!! How awesome is that? It’s awesome because it just proves that we all have these weird dark secrets, even the bad ass that first started using fingerprints to catch criminals. I mean, he did all these awesome things, so who cares if he wore dresses too? I’m not sure if they really tap into this in the movie, but it was a pretty big part of his life, from what I’ve read. Either way, it’s just a very complex character to play, I would guess, and to me, DiCaprio can do no wrong. As for Clint Eastwood, even though I’m still mad at him for winning the Oscar for Million Dollar Baby, when that was definitely Scorsese’s to win for one of his greatest movies, The Aviator, but I digress…Eastwood is an amazingly rich and emotional director. He makes movies that touch the old school Hollywood sensibilities. They aren’t flashy, CGI filled, seizure edits like many of his peers, but rather gentle, poignant stories with touching music and deep lighting, that just really bring you back to an era of film making that is long gone and will probably die with him to be honest. The fucking dude is pushing 82 years old and can still score home runs. I admit that I thought Hereafter was a little lackluster, but people ragged on Changeling which I thought was gripping and awesome. If J. Edgar is even 1% like a regular Eastwood movie, then I am hooked. The haters can go watch Tower Heist and fuck themselves.
PREDICTION: 3 1/2 stars
Okay…what do I make of this movie? On the one hand, it looks like a copy of 300, which I thought was shat directly from the anus of Satan himself. 300 is a movie for gay people who cannot admit they are gay. But on the other hand, it is directed by Tarsem Singh, who did The Cell, which I thought was sort of cool and underrated. I mean, The Cell wasn’t anything that I’d need to watch 100 times, but I did think it was pretty creative and visually interesting. That being said, which movie will Immortals be like? If it’s anything like 300, I would rather gouge out my eyes with the editor of Lonely Reviewer’s penis, than watch it. But it just might have some potential, given
the director involved. I’m sure when it comes to Watch Instant, I will find out.
PREDICTION: 2 stars
JACK AND JILL
What can I really say about this movie that South Park didn’t already capture in 1 minute? This does literally look like a turd being shoved into my eye sockets. What the fuck happened to Adam Sandler, I mean really? I know people like certain comedians, and will sort of give them a pass for anything they make. For me, it’s Jim Carrey. I will pretty much watch any piece of shit he pumps out and chuckle like ”oh that Jim Carrey…” when in reality, he kinda sucks now (save for I Love You Philip Morris which was a fucking amazing movie). I think Adam Sandler is sort of the same way. People still go see his movies because they WANT to love him so badly, like the old days. I mean, who can deny that Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore were awesome movies…but really, how many other “good” flicks has he done since? The Wedding Singer is pretty good. Punch Drunk Love is a masterpiece. But then we have The Waterboy, Little Nicky, Big Daddy, Anger Management, Mr. Deeds, Eight Crazy Nights, 50 First Dates, Spanglish, The Longest Yard, Click (not bad), Chuck And Larry, You Don’t Mess With The Zohan, Bedtime Stories, Funny People (which I wanted to like so bad), Grown Ups, Just Go With It and now Jack And Jill….see…when I spell them out for you, you kinda get the idea right? He doesn’t make that many good movies. They’re all sort of paycheck movies, and this guy turned down Inglourious Basterds! I know he can act (Punch Drunk Love) and he can be funny (Billy Madison) but why isn’t he doing either of those things for nearly a decade? But…like Jim Carrey, people of a certain generation will give him a pass….but, also like Jim Carrey, it won’t last forever.
PREDICTION: 1 star
Editors Note: The release of this article was delayed due to technical problems on my part! Thanks for reading!
A VERY HAROLD AND KUMAR CHRISTMAS
Maybe I’m just old, but I do not “get” these movies. I’ve only seen the first one, and yeah, it had some amusing parts, but all in all I thought it was pretty lame. I for sure didn’t think it warranted 2 sequels! I’m happy for these two actors, because they really made a name for themselves with these films. Now every Asian can be called Harold and every Indian can be Kumar and it’s not racist, right, since these characters are so beloved!! And every gay guy can be Neil Patrick Harris (who I’m still convinced isn’t gay, and is just pretending to be gay so he can get girls to confuse fuck him). I’m guessing these two are sort of the Cheech and Chong of this generation. This doesn’t interest me, but I would much rather see this than another Dude Where’s My Car.
PREDICTION: 2 stars
Ooohhhh boy…..here we go. This movie almost seems to have a bulls-eye right on it’s ass and I’m holding a crossbow. Where do I begin? Well, first off could they think of a worse title? Tower
Heist? I wonder what this movie is about?? It’s like the writers just walked into the production meeting and said “We want to make a movie about a hesit in a tower but can’t think of a good title.” It’s probably less creative than if they just went with Robbery. Now onto the cast. Ben Stiller is hit or miss. The guy can actually be funny, but a lot of times he’s really just trying too hard. Is he supposed to be taken seriously in this? Seeing him with a gun is about as intimidating as seeing an orangutan with a banana. Then we have Matthew Broderick, aka one of the worst actors on the planet. How has this guy had such a long career? First of all, his succubus of a wife
has clearly sucked out any life this guy once had in him. He’s so flaky now, it’s like he doesn’t even exist. I barely noticed him in the trailers for this movie, and he’s supposed to be one of the main
characters. The guy has really only made 3 good movies, and I will say it: NONE of them are called Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. He might be good on Broadway, but on the screen, he’s got the talent of a gay man at a pussy eating contest. Then we have Eddie Murphy. Oh, we all love Eddie Murphy. Remember when he was awesome? Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places, 48 Hours…and then he just stopped giving a fuck, didn’t he? When you really think about it, he has sucked, and I mean SUCKED, for well over a decade now. Do you need proof? Okay, well here is his filmography (excluding his voice overs) in order since Tower Heist: Imagine That, Meet Dave, Norbit, Dreamgirls, The Haunted Mansion, Daddy Day Care, I Spy, The Adventures Of Pluto Nash, Showtime, Dr. Doolittle 2, Nutty Professor 2, Bowfinger (which I liked), Life, Holy Man, Dr. Doolittle, Metro, The Nutty Professor, Vampire In Brooklyn….I could keep going but I’m getting bored. This is back to 1995!!! Stop me when you see a great Beverly Hills Cop-esque movie in there. There isn’t one. Face it…we “like” Eddie Murphy because of the name and what he used to be, but he has been awful for a loooooong time now. And now comes the main event, the director. I’m not sure whose cock Brett Ratner is deep throating, but he must be pretty damn good at it because this guy still gets work. He is one of the most insulting directors out there. Tommy from Pinball Wizard could direct a more convincing film than Ratner. The Rush Hour movies are cinematic abortions. The Family Man made me want to vomit when they smash chocolate cake all over their faces and makeout. Was that supposed to be fucking romantic? He even made X-Men look like the messy coloring book of a 5 year old retard. I did like Red Dragon actually, but then I read an interview with the DP who said that basically Ratner didn’t direct that movie, and that he was basically vacant the entire time. Makes sense that it was decent. I would buy a ticket to this movie if, afterwards, I got a free plane ticket to Hollywood and was given a board with a nail in it and allowed to bash Brett Ratner in the face with it three times. That MIGHT be worth the ticket price to see Tower Heist.
PREDICTION: 1 star
Next week actually has a movie I want to see!!
Nothing says hardcore action movie like William Shakespeare right?? Well, how about an action movie about people trying to say that Shakespeare didn’t write his plays? Yeah…that’s about as exciting as wiping your ass. Why would I want to see a Roland Emmerich (yes, Independence Day and The Patriot Roland Emmerich) try to make a movie about some William Shakespeare conspiracy with explosions and yelling? It just looks awful. These types of movies should be told by filmmakers like Philip Kaufman or Ang Lee…directors who can take a story like this and breathe some life into it…not Roland Emmerich aka the poor man’s Michael Bay. And I like The Patriot, don’t get me wrong, but the man is a crappy director more or less. This movie just baffles me. It would appear he tried to go out of his comfort zone and make a non-action movie, but then just HAD to make it an action movie!! It would be like Michael Bay doing Hamlet. He would have to squeeze one explosion in there somewhere because Bay and Emmerich are basically like if you gave a retard a video camera and a pack of matches. This movie should remain anonymous.
PREDICTION: 1 1/2 stars
And from one tard fest to another, we have the exciting Justin Timberlake (an oxymoron) shitfest. This is like some inbred hybrid of Logan’s Run and that 90s MTV show Dead At 21. You’re given a set amount of time to live, marked by a countdown timer on your arm, and that’s also used as your currency but you can earn more time I guess and make yourself immortal or whatever? I don’t know or care how it fucking works, it’s dumb. The only good thing about this movie coming out is I will finally be rid of the endless previews on every channel. And Justin Timberlake as an action star?? HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
PREDICTION: 1 star
PUSS IN BOOTS
2011 marks the first spin off of endless Shrek cha-chings on the Hollywood cash register. I have nothing against the Shrek movies, even though I didn’t particularly enjoy them, but they at least were trying to toss in some grown up flavor in an otherwise bland kiddie lollipop. I don’t think I saw Shrek 3 or 4 (they all blur together) so I think I might have missed the character of Puss but if there is anyone in the world who knows puss, it would be Antonio Banderas so I guess he fits the role pretty well. Although, is he still banging Melanie Griffith? I thought her face would have completely melted by now, like Meg Ryan’s. Oh well. Banderas is pretty cool, even when he’s just scoring an easy paycheck like this movie. Now that I have a kid, I can watch movies like this without feeling like some dad in the audience thinks I’m going to diddle his daughter. This movie is no Pixar, and therefore will be a waiter until it reacher my Watch Instant Que (you think I’m going to waste a mail disc on this??), but I’m sure someday I will check it out. No hate here, just apathy.
PREDICTION: 2 stars
THE RUM DIARY
This movie has been in production for at least 7 years. I can remember reading about this one in college and wondering when it will get made. I’m happy it finally got the green light. I’m not a big Hunter S. Thompson fan (any asshole can get wasted, do drugs and write about it, seriously) but I have to give the asshole credit…he made a CAREER off of getting wasted, doing drugs and writing about it, so you can’t fault the guy for that. I still don’t think he’s any big hero or anything, and neither did he or he wouldn’t have put a bullet through his face. But I do like how passionate Johnny Depp is for his friend. I didn’t really like Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas (blasphemy, I know) even though I love Terry Gilliam and really wish he had worked on this movie as well, I just thought more or less, it was a waste of time, but I can still appreciate the film for what it is. The Rum Diary might be more of the same, but it seems less quirky. It looks entertaining, and I think Depp’s admiration for Thompson will make this movie watchable, and even though I wouldn’t spend 10 bucks on seeing it, I have a feeling it will be a semi-solid film.
PREDICTION: 3 stars
JOHNNY ENGLISH REBORN
Reborn? Is this a re-boot of the 1st Johnny English but still with Mr. Bean? Did he die in the first one? I never saw it, nor had any need to see it, and the same goes with this one. I have to hand it to
Rowan Atkinson though…the man has busted his ass as Mr. Bean and all these ridiculous British characters for as long as I can remember. I don’t know a single person who enjoys them, but they seem to still get made and make money, so kudos to him. I actually feel bad ripping this movie apart basically because it’s supposed to be really stupid, isn’t it? It’s like making fun of a retarded person…there’s almost no point really. I’m sure I will never see this movie, but I have no hate for it and I would rather watch this piece of crap than Fast And The Furious part 12…those movies are a bigger waste of time than this.
PREDICTION: 1 1/2 stars
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3
If there was ever a bigger waste of time, it was the first Paranormal Activity. Anyone who was actually scared by that movie must have been molested by their father and have some easy-to-go-to fear within them, because that movie was anything but scary. It was boring as hell. I’ve seen shows on HGTV that were more terrifying. Have you ever seen a basement flood? Do you know how much that shit costs to repair?? THAT’S real terror. This movie is another in the long line of “found footage” movies that people are still flocking to for whatever reason. I never saw the 2nd Paranormal Activity, and who knows, maybe it was better than the first, but I doubt it. If you want something much scarier in the same vein as this, check out this documentary I saw on night terrors. I’m not sure what it was called, but you can probably find clips of it if you Google it. They secretly recorded people who have extreme night terrors and that shit was frighting. Much scarier than this crap. Whoa….she stands by the bed for 45 minutes doing nothing….fre-e-e-e-e-ky!! Yawn. If this goes on Watch Instant like part 2, maybe I’ll check it out someday, but for now I’ll pass.
PREDICTION: 2 stars
THE THREE MUSKETEERS
This is the biggest tragedy of the week. These kinds of movies that are supposed to take place 200 years ago but have like clever modern slang in them like “Hell yea!” and “You go girl!” make me want to put on a black trench coat and take a semi-automatic assault rifle and….well, this is the internet so I’ll say no more. This was directed by the OTHER Paul Anderson, not the awesome one who gave us Boogie Nights but the impostor who gave us the shitstains that are Resident Evil 1-27 and the impossible to fuck up but he did it anyway Alien vs. Predator. HOW DO YOU FUCK UP ALIEN VS PREDATOR?? A 6 year old blind kind with no arms could have made that movie infinitely
better! But he did it, and he will forever suck because of it. This is another re-telling of the Musketeers tale, which by all accounts, has never really been made into a great movie. You had the one from the 90s with Jack Bauer and Charlie Sheen and whoever else was pop at the time, but that was just basically a 90s version of this. Why can’t they ever make a good movie out of content like this? Sherlock Holmes has the same problem. Stop with the intense action and slow motion scenes and make a solid movie for Christ’s sake. Oh wait…I forgot that they just want kids ages 13-16 to go see this. Money, money, money over integrity. Fuck that. If I ever made a movie for theaters, if it made 50 bucks, but that 50 bucks came from people I respected, then it would be worth it. Sure, I’d like to be rich too, but selling you soul every time to get the cash is just tragic. But then again, Anderson keeps getting these gigs, so maybe he’s the smartest man in Hollywood. I guess you can’t blame him for sitting on a pile of naked women, while jacking off with $100 bills and jizzing
on a pile of gold bullion right? Right? Eh…..
PREDICTION: 1 star
Sorry I’m a little late on this one guys, my wife just gave birth to our first kid last night, so I’ve been distracted….and the lack of sleep might make this weeks review either less funny or overly vicious
so bear with me.
THE BIG YEAR
Now I love me some Steve Martin. I love me some Steve Martin so much that I will even go out of my way to see shit like It’s Complicated, just for the single glimmer of hope to see Steve Martin be funny again. And yes, I have even seen not one, but BOTH Pink Panther movies…but alas, the days of The Jerk and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels are behind us and Steve Martin has succumbed to just being “kinda amusing” and it’s a damn shame. This movie looks like no exception. It’s a movie with Steve Martin, Jack Black and Owen Wilson all bird watching. Could be funny, but judging from the preview, it just seems like the kind of movie that producers say “Throw Martin, Black and Wilson together in a movie.” ”Well….is there a script?” ”Fuck the script….make em’ watch birds or something.” And bingo. Looks like sub-par, but trust me, if I could stomach Cheaper By The Dozen 2, then I can stomach this just for the sweet possibility of some vintage Steve Martin.
PREDICTION: 2 stars
How I feel about this movie is how I feel about terrible things that happen far away in other countries. It really sucks, but I’m glad I don’t have to deal with it. Same thing here. I have to say that out of the nearly 5000 movies I have seen, I have never actually seen the original Footloose. I do love Kevin Bacon, I just never had any reason to watch a movie about a town that’s banned dancing. I don’t get it. Can’t you just dance at the next town over? And why dancing? Are there no murders and rapes and violent crimes in this town that the police have nothing better to ban but dancing. And if that’s the case, then the crime value statistics of living in this town must be through the roof positive. It seems like you can walk down the street in this town wearing solid diamond sunglasses with $100.00 bills dripping from your pockets and not have to worry about getting mugged, but the fucking selfish ass people in the town STILL have to find something to complain about, so they want to DANCE! Jesus. Well, this is a remake of that ridiculous premise, and it doesn’t even have the charm that Kevin Bacon can bring to light up any dark room. So not only could I give two flying fuckweeds about Footloose WITH Kevin Bacon, you can imagine how I feel about this diarrhea without him. Wham, bam, no thank you ma’am.
PREDICTION: 1 star
So what is this movie? A remake or a sequel or a prequel? As far as I can tell, it’s a prequel to the awesome, kick ass, 1982 masterpiece The Thing which in my opinion still has some of, if not the best, horror FX ever put on film. 5 star movie. This one…not so much. I mean, if it’s a prequel, then why is everyone in it American, because we all know that it was actually a group of Norwegians who discovered The Thing and it looks like a bunch of Americans in this movie. Also, if it’s a prequel and not a flat out remake, like it’s being hyped as, then is it set in 1982 like the first one? Because all the tech seems pretty up to date. Now, all of that aside, the preview doesn’t look horrible, but it doesn’t look great either. I could deal with a sequel to one of my favorite movies of all time, but what I will complain about is that if you’re going to go balls out and try to replicate the sheer awesomeness of the original, why would you slack and make all the FX CGI? The amazing charm of the first one was mostly due to the FX, which just hit it out of the park. CGI is not enduring, looks flat and also messy and cheap. Sure, they might hold a scare the first time you see it, but in 5 years, they’ll look old and detached, which then takes me out of the movie completely. Whereas the original, the FX still hold up to this day for me. The scene where they’re testing the blood with the hot wire still gives me chills to this day, and I fucking know what happens! So I feel this is wasted potential. I feel like if some filmmaker could just come out and blow everyone away with a horror film using state of the art PRACTICAL FX, then the movie would blow everyone away. Splinter is the closest I’ve seen to that, but certainly not The Thing prequel.
PREDICTION: 2 1/2 stars
That’s it for this week.