Bale Is Breaking My Heart … Allegedly

It’s better you hear this from me than some stranger, but a police report has been filed by the mother and sister of demigod Christian Bale, alleging that he assaulted them while in a west London hotel the night before the European premiere. He hasn’t been charged and, when asked, Scotland Yard said that it was looking into allegations, but did not say if Bale was involved in the incident.

I am hoping it isn’t true, unless the allegation is that he assaulted them with awesome. I picture it like a care bear shooting hearts out of its chest, but instead of hearts, Bale shoots blinding rays of awesome that some people can’t handle. I’m pretty sure this is what happened. I should know. I’m a part-time FBI agent. I made this badge out of the bottom of a tin can, so it’s official. I am pretty sure that’s all it takes to be an agent. That and a great catch phrase… Bonkers, bonk you out.

It’s A World Wide Web: Junk of the Information Super Highway

What’s that? A gerbil running through a cardboard replica of a video game? I am on board. A billion percent. I’m pretty sure that even if I wasn’t high on mescaline right now I’d find this amusing … and I’d have pants on … and my socks wouldn’t be reciting the Homestead Act to me. History is funny when coming from socks. So much knowledge. True story.

OK, so that’s the level we are operating at, and here’s a gerbil fighting for his life:

Hayden Panettiere Tards Things Up

Hayden Panettiere may have written the most asinine song since, well, I want to say ever. Her song “Wake Up Call” sounds more or less (think “more”) like throwing up down a garbage disposal to a reggae beat. She could have taken a giant hose and sprayed cat feces on us and I would have been slightly less offended.

Now I’m confused. How do I explain to my wiener that everything is going to be OK after Hayden did this to us? How do I tell him everything he knows to be true has been one big crapfest of a lie? I don’t know, maybe I just need to take him out for a long quiet walk where we can reflect on things. *sigh*

Bay Wants More Fox

Michael Bay has heard that people love (1) things exploding, (2) giant robots fighting for control of Earth, and (3) when actors/actresses put on weight for roles. In regards to the last one he has asked Megan Fox to put on 10 pounds for her up coming role in Transformers. In return I have asked Michael Bay to shut his big dumb face full of stupid. How about this Mr. Bay: Megan Fox keeps her figure as is and in return I won’t have people throw rocks at your nard for messing up the one thing you do right. Deal? Deal.

Bale Owns

With the premeire of Batman only days away, Christian Bale was in New York and took time out of the day to sign autographs for everyone. Why is this news? I don’t know, maybe because celebs don’t always act in such a humane manner, or maybe because Bale is the shit and it’s my column so I can do what I want.

*As a sidenote, Christian Bale is so awesome he has 17 penises.

Hollywood Hates You

How else do you explain why ‘Ace Ventura Jr.’ is being made? Because I can’t figure it out. Sure maybe I cheated on Hollywood with her much hotter sister. And maybe I stole her car to rob a bank. And yes I got drunk on several vacations with her family and threw up on her mother. But is that any reason to get this nasty with me? I mean ‘Ace Ventura Jr.’?!?!? In the game of ‘Would You Rather …’ I would much rather shit out of my ears and urinate out of my nose than have to sit through this movie.

Is that the best tag line they could come up with for the poster? (Yes it is) (Actually no it isn’t) (OK, were up for 7 straight days doing lines of coke off various hookers and drinking nothing but crude oil, so yeah, we kind of blew this one. We will get you next time. Promise.)

To think of all the money that is spent on this movie when it could be put to better use by buying me my diamond covered combination rocketship/paintball gun.

Bobby Digital Directing

Bobby Digital, AKA The Rzarector, AKA The RZA will be stepping into the directors chair to film a martial arts movie he has penned, ‘The Man with the Iron Fists.’

Are you nervous about a rapper turned director? Don’t be. The RZA has a talent for creating. He has worked with various directors on projects (Tarantino: ‘Kill Bill’, Jim Jarmucsh: ‘Coffee and Cigarettes’ to name a few) and though he has never directed, martial arts movies have been a giant influence on his life. I mean Wu Tang was created around the ideas of these old martial arts movies. So trust Bobby Boulders.

I will be interested to see what kind of movie this is. Is it going to be an homage film?  Or will he build upon the old films and add his own flair? From seeing his other work, I can’t imagine it being anything less than a new perspective on the genre.

When he is done with that, here are some other ventures I would like to see The RZA take on: pet grooming, pharmacist, and host of AFHV.

Hell Boy Pulls Gun on Lipton

Hell Boy loves to give interviews and look red while James Lipton pulls out 1992 slang. So here is another video for your non-reading behinds. And do you know why we don’t read? Because reading is for stupid people that want fingers to grow out of their eyes. Because that’s what happens when you read. Girls stop talking to you and fingers grow out of your eyes. I totally get science.

It’s A World Wide Web: Junk of the Information Super Highway

I have started to celebrate freedom by declaring my independence from my pants and starting my own Whiskey Rebellion by drinking massive quantities of it and waving my weenier at passing college girls. Would I call myself a modern day Don Juan? Probably. Would I call myself a hero? Yes. Would I say I am the most awesome version of personified sweet ass American patriotism? Fo sho. So everyone enjoy the holiday weekend, I will be out enjoying my freedom the only way I know how: balls to the wall naked badmitton.

Oh and here is Charlie Rose’s take on Charlie Rose:

Schwimmer and Co. Reunite?

I don’t want to say that I am the reason there is a ‘Friends’ movie being talked about, but it was only yesterday I pleaded with Hollywood and said that Schwimmer is the most bankable star they had and I’d be on board with anything he does, up to and including a Schwimmer themed waterpark.

Rumors are being started by “insiders” (which is most likely a belching Dorito that knows what it is talking about) that the cast of ‘Friends’ is up for a movie reunion. If you don’t believe the rumors, then you explain to me what else Matt LeBlanc is going to do with his Tuesday’s? Eat cream filled muffins and drink chocolate syrup while sitting on his couch? Well let me tell you, there is only room for one person on that couch and it happens to be me and my giant, beautiful, shade bearing, can be used as a floatation device ass. So, Matt LeBlanc, go star in a movie that doesn’t have a baseball playing chimp.

(I read this from PerezHilton.com (to give him credit) and I trust that man with the conviction of 7 Arabian Princesses.)

‘Gellhorn’ Captures Gillian Andersons Attention

According to a Variety article, actress Gillian Anderson, has acquired the rights to a biopic of Martha Gellhorn, a journalist who covered wars from the Spanish Civil War to Vietnam.

Continuing my unfounded making fun of Gillian Anderson, I will give that news a “yawn” and a “meh.” You know what biopic I am waiting for? ‘Schwimming Up Stream: The story of David Schwimmer.’ I am first in line for that one. Let me just say, in my opinion, Schwims is the most bankable star in Hollywood. Take notice Hollywood.

What was this post about again? Gillyum someone? I am fairly certain there was some real news intent on my part before I realized that’s not what I do. What I do is kickass and punch holes of steamy sexiness through vats of gloopy ugly.

Bay Aces Character Development

‘Transformers’ was super saturated with 0 character development. Think about that for a moment. It had no character development. It made you think: how much less character development could there be in this movie? And the answer is none. None less development.

Usually I would complain about this when reviewing a film, but then again most movies don’t have giant robots ripping apart buildings. It was like taking one of my most awesome dreams about being a giant killer robot from space and adding Megan Fox to it. Now it sounds like Bay is going to ruin the whole thing by trying to give Sam Witwicky and Mikaela Banes depth. And by “depth” I most certainly do not mean “depth,” I actually mean each character will have a certain awkwardness to them that will make the movie the cinematic equivalent of two cousins making out while their parents are in the same room giving each other wedgies and spanking their grandparents.

Anyway … according to NJ.com, Bay had this to say about the new movie:

In the first movie, Witwicky and his love interest, Mikaela Banes (played by Fox), help the faction of good robots, the Autobots, in their battle against the evil Decepticons.

As the battle continues in the second film, LaBeouf and Fox reprise their roles. Although both characters have grown from high school- to college-age since the first “Transformers” installment, only LaBeouf’s Witwicky is off to college because Fox’s Banes can’t afford school, Bay said.

Last time he tried this level of development Ben Affleck was walking an animal cracker across Liv Tyler’s stomach. Yeah…

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